My Default Blog
Everytime I look in the mirror, I feel disgusting. Ok, I'm officially sick of hiding this in all of the time.
I'm gross, that's what I think. I never thought of myself as attractive. It's not just my face, it's my body.
I need to lose weight, right f*cking now!
I've gained a lot of f*cking wait since I last checked. I hate this.
Why is it that us girls have to feel like we must all look like super models, our hipbones sticking out, flawless face, and a foot of space in between our legs?
Thank you media. Thank you.
It's ridiculous.
But it's how we all feel, when we believe we're inferior to every other girl. UGLY,FAT, UNWANTED. Maybe if you've been ridiculed about your looks like I have in the past, you'd understand.
I'm going on a f*cking diet.
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restrain me in your arms
assault me
tell me you cant live
without me
dont try to tear away my fears
dont let me
drown myself in tears
forget me
ill get even with you
for all the times youve helped me through
bruise me with your cruel embrace
ill kill you if you see my face
i love the fire in your eyes
and hate the man in which it lies
this hate is just so strong
this anger caged so long
this passion feels so wrong...
I want to touch someone. If it's too hard to start touching, then I want a reason to touch. I'm frightened of people I can't touch, I'm frightened of people whose skin I can't cover with my own, ever so gently, two surfaces together. I feel as if I'm about to be attacked, and so I feel as if I'm about to attack.
So I go to a strange dirty little underground hole that they call a club, which is completely new to me. So many deeply dark, beautiful characters who I assume are the new children of the underworld. When you're in a club it's OK to slam into other people. The first time you ram into someone, you hit then with your anger. You feel rage in the pain of the collision. Then, without waiting, you go and crash into a second person and then a third, a fourth, a fifth, bashing into them with different parts of your body, and you feel the rage start to dissolve in the lingering traces of pain.
By this time I'm in a state of frozen, numbed exhaustion. Now I start to writhe, stretching out a rapid hand to brush parts of bodies of people near by. As if to pickpocket pieces of them. A rush of erotic feeling takes over and I'm starting to feel really grateful that I'm living like this, not just letting rage take control.
This is proof that you shouldn't write when you're stoned.........
I want to touch someone. If it's too hard to start touching, then I want a reason to touch. I'm frightened of people I can't touch, I'm frightened of people whose skin I can't cover with my own, ever so gently, two surfaces together. I feel as if I'm about to be attacked, and so I feel as if I'm about to attack.
So I go to a strange dirty little underground hole that they call a club, which is completely new to me. So many deeply dark, beautiful characters who I assume are the new children of the underworld. When you're in a club it's OK to slam into other people. The first time you ram into someone, you hit then with your anger. You feel rage in the pain of the collision. Then, without waiting, you go and crash into a second person and then a third, a fourth, a fifth, bashing into them with different parts of your body, and you feel the rage start to dissolve in the lingering traces of pain.
By this time I'm in a state of frozen, numbed exhaustion. Now I start to writhe, stretching out a rapid hand to brush parts of bodies of people near by. As if to pickpocket pieces of them. A rush of erotic feeling takes over and I'm starting to feel really grateful that I'm living like this, not just letting rage take control.
This is proof that you shouldn't write when you're stoned.........
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
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TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
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| Name: |
Call Me Mistress
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| Birthday: |
June 21
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| Birthplace: |
Back of a Bumper Car
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| Current Location: |
5th Circle of Hell
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| Eye Color: |
Amber
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| Hair Color: |
Dark Brown
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| Height: |
5'2"
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| Right Handed or Left Handed: |
Right
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| Your Heritage: |
Indian, French, Hawaian
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| The Shoes You Wore Today: |
None
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| Your Weakness: |
Clam Chowder
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| Your Fears: |
Clowns
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| Your Perfect Pizza: |
Hawaian Style - Pineapple and sausage!
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| Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: |
Dont Get Shot
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| Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: |
lol
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| Thoughts First Waking Up: |
Grrrrr.....
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| Your Best Physical Feature: |
my lips
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| Your Bedtime: |
Whenever I Pass Out
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| Your Most Missed Memory: |
doing fingerpaintings of dead people in kindergarten
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| Pepsi or Coke: |
PEPSI!!!
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| MacDonalds or Burger King: |
Mickey D's!
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| Single or Group Dates: |
Whatever your up for
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| Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: |
lipton
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| Chocolate or Vanilla: |
CHOCOLATE!!!
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| Cappuccino or Coffee: |
Coffee. Black.
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| Do you Smoke: |
I do, but not cigarettes
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| Do you Swear: |
f*ck YEAH!!!
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| Do you Sing: |
yes
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| Do you Shower Daily: |
does skinny dipping count?
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| Have you Been in Love: |
unfortunately...
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| Do you want to go to College: |
yes, over the internet while traveling
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| Do you want to get Married: |
ummmm, next question
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| Do you belive in yourself: |
Im the shi*t!!!
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| Do you get Motion Sickness: |
sumtimes
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| Do you think you are Attractive: |
Hell Yeah!
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| Are you a Health Freak: |
not really
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| Do you get along with your Parents: |
hell no.
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| Do you like Thunderstorms: |
Theyre Amazing
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| Do you play an Instrument: |
guitar and keyboard
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| In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: |
yes
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| In the past month have you Smoked: |
no
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| In the past month have you been on Drugs: |
yes
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| In the past month have you gone on a Date: |
yes
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| In the past month have you gone to a Mall: |
no, thats worse than hell
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| In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: |
two and a half
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| In the past month have you eaten Sushi: |
no
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| In the past month have you been on Stage: |
yes
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| In the past month have you been Dumped: |
no
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| In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: |
yes
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| In the past month have you Stolen Anything: |
one skull g-string
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| Ever been Drunk: |
yes
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| Ever been called a Tease: |
yes
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| Ever been Beaten up: |
no, but i've kicked some ass
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| Ever Shoplifted: |
yes
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| How do you want to Die: |
freefalling
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| What do you want to be when you Grow Up: |
an artist and novelist
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| What country would you most like to Visit: |
italy
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In a Boy/Girl..
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| Favourite Eye Color: |
hazel
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| Favourite Hair Color: |
black
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| Short or Long Hair: |
long
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| Height: |
6 ft
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| Weight: |
165 lb
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| Best Clothing Style: |
punk, goth, naked
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| Number of Drugs I have taken: |
3 different kinds
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| Number of CDs I own: |
a zillion
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| Number of Piercings: |
7
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| Number of Tattoos: |
1
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| Number of things in my Past I Regret: |
nothing
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
hey, guys this is my newest poem. Please tell me what you think!!
Sympathetic Character
I was afraid
youd hurt me if id spoken up
I was afraid
of your physical strength
i was afraid you'd hit below the belt
I was afraid of your sucker punch
I was afraid of your reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me
I was afraid of your temper
I was afraid of handles being thrown off
I was afraid of holes being punched into walls
I was afraid of your testosterone
I might not have as much rage as your have,
I might not have as much pain as you do,
I might not have lived as much hell as you have,
but all of mine was caused by you.
you were my best friend
you were my mother
you were my little sister
and my big brother
you were my very own sympathetic character
I was afraid of verbal daggers
I was afraid of the calm before the storm
I was afraid for my own bones
I was afraid of your seduction
I was afraid of your cooersion
I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation
I was afraid of your punishment
I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume
I was afraid of your homicidal thoughts
I was afraid of your self mutilation
I was afraid of your suicidal plots
I was afraid of your manipulation
I was afraid of your explosions
I might not have as much rage as your have,
I might not have as much pain as you do,
I might not have lived as much hell as you have,
but ive kept mine bubbling under for you.
You were my mentor
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my savior
you were my very own sympathetic character.
she says: don't hate me cause I'm beautiful....
Here there are these new ads attempting to recruit police officers...They are photographs of cops, with a little quote, some personal testimony about why being a cop is so great, and there was one that featured a sargeant or something, saying how at his job, he gets to see all this CrrAzy stuff, that his job places him in the front seat of "the best show on earth"...
great, great, what a spectacle a rape scene is! And struggling with people maddened by their life-long systematic oppression...oh my, the things they say!
This kind of honesty in an advertisement, a pretty clear cut view into a cop's f*cked up psychology, the psychology of someone who clearly can find no other way to experience life, or actual shi*t-smeared neon pink numinous reality, is surprising, but also so nauseatingly self-assured that it makes me worry about living in a city where that kind of thing is unnoticed or acceptable to the majority...
putting your life on the line, encountering f*cked up shi*t within a well defined governmental/bullshi*t moral structure, is crass and f*cking boring to me...I'd rather burn a bridge while i walk over it.
hello everyone i am drunk as hell....and decided to stop by and say hello to all of you whom i love......and once again the face i love so much over and over again...Me and my friends were screwing around and doing some homemade porn......My friends are lesbians, and im bisexual, so needless to say, we had fun. Here's the cover picture. Sorry, but its G-rated I named it in honor of my ex-boyfriend... what a bastard... anyway... the photoset is called Robot Fetish.
Kinky, huh?
If you think thats kinky, you should see my last one... its called "Hostage" (*wink*)
well i suppose i cant type very well on rum so i think i will go now...man i feel like i am even slurring in type..... anywho.... and i just learned and or realized that cheesecake is deffinately more of a pie than a cake...and i should know considering i love cheesecake and or cheesepie...well i believe i have sufficiently confused myself and all of you so ta ta......
My cousin joined up and it rocks!!! Its ShannaK if u wanna chat w/her.
Anyway, I have some confessions to make, that you might find interesting:
1. i'm in love with patsy cline
2. i unintentionally killed a rabbit when I was ten
3. I can't drive a car,and don't really want to
4. I used to play the cello
5. I was in an off-off broadway experimental fire musical
6. I am proficient in mig, tig, oxyacetyalene and arc welding
7. I used to go to welding school on speed.
8. I am proficient with a toilet snake.
9. I am proficient with a crowbar.
10. I used to bake my grandmotherheart shaped shortbread
cookies while she was dying of cancer.
11. I was a field hockey player.
12. I like to drive my dad nuts singing the Barney theme.
13. I use cornmeal as an exfoliant
14. All the females in my family are amazoneess wannabies on steroids.
15. I own one ski mask and one wrestling mask.
16. I have horrible handwriting.
17. I have played scrabble three times in the last 2 months.
18. Mi piace l'odore della tu ascelle.
19. I lie to my entire family
20. I was obsessed with Dolly Parton's breasts when I was five.
I had to get that off my chest. You can pick and choose which ones you want to believe cause im not even sure if theyre all true.
Dude, I really hope my dad doesn't see this...
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