My Default Blog
Thursday, November 15, 2007
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Friday, November 17, 2006
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to... hello? i said HELLO!?! ANYBODY THERE??? oh, good. i knew SOMEONE had to be listening. well, now that ive got your attention, i'd like to welcome you to my journal. You have the rare privelige of peeking into the mind of a true genius. Or psychopath. Depends on who you ask. Anywho...
enough with the formalities. You see, today is a joyous occasion. Today is my happy day. I very rarely am able to see a happy day all the way through without 'someone' wrecking it, so-
glad 'er day was so bloody fantastic
-so to start the celebration, i will begin with a brief-
haha, we said "brief"
Ahem. you'll have to excuse the voices, they like to butt in. as i was saying i will begin with a brief review of my-
haHA! the sodding cow said it again!
Please, you'll have to excuse me for a moment...
*...low, digruntled voices are heard, then a series of odd chinking and scraping sounds, followed by silence...*
AS I WAS SAYING, we will begin with a BRIEF-
*..........sigh..........*
-review of my day. It was actually a rather-
OY, COW! LET ME OUT OF THESE SODDING CONTRAPTIONS, YA BLOODY BITCH!!! I SWEAR, IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE-
GrrrrrRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!! *runs off screaming*
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Due to its graphic nature the remainder of this program has been terminated
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hmmmm.... what to type, what to type...you know what? f*ck it. Thats right, f*ck it. ive been philosophising all day, and going to see my shrink didnt help any. She's a retred. And you know what? in the midst of all this, i made one, simple discovery that will change the face of western philosophy forever. Here goes... One of the most important things in life is to NOT, i repeat: NOT BE ON FIRE!!! Trust me, Melting Flesh Charred Bones = BAD. Plain and simple. I know that might prove difficult for you pyros; ive been there. but you cannot get carried away!
oh, and another tip; if you carve a boyfriend's/girlfriend's name into your skin, or cut hands with your friend for a blood bond, do not let your parents, shrink, or anyone else who might report you see the wounds!
that last bit of advice is probably useless, though, because if you carve bfs/gfs names into your skin, people probably already think you're insane, and virtually noone has a real, true enough friend to cut hands with. Most people dont get close enough to be true friends because either they're a**holes, or they're distrustful of even their closest friends, (though its often isnt their fault) which isn't surprising in this morally bankrupt shi*thole of a world we live in now. And besides that, there is the growing fear of AIDS, that prevents people from wanting to even touch other people's blood, nevermind bleed into each other.
(but that doesnt keep them from screwing anything that walks)
...reality bites.
we got a beautiful new dresser today! it's glorious.
for the girl who has everything.. haha. a place to keep my bazillions of articles of clothing.
i understand if this doesn't seem that cool, but we have needed one for a WHILE. and now we'll have it forever.
and.. i'm a little stoned.
i don't like games. i have rarely ever enjoyed games.
by games i mostly mean sit-down-zone-out video games. but anywhere from GTA to scrabble.
i don't know why.
well, i kinda do. i hate hearing guns firing and that stuuuupid music that i actually hum to myself repeatedly [ but only beacause i enjoy torture ] and all the other characteristics of video-game-drone-whatever.
i almost LIKE silence, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.
if i enjoyed games, like everyone else i know seems to, i'd probably be included more. i'd have something to say. it'd be casual, and maybe just brought on by my drunkenness, but.. it'd be something.
i'm big on talking. i'm boring that way. i would rather sit in a room with a couple of people and just talk about whatever, granted, i am usually pretty stoned. and then really, i'm not too useful in the talking department.
i also, for the most part, keep my opinions to myself.
i just... have no interest whatsoever to share them.
i don't know what's wrong with me, but it works for me.
ok… its nine in the morning… and the phone rang… and I picked it up… and had this whole CONFUSING conversation with who turns ot to be my aunt… who is SUPPOSED to be in the other room sleeping… as am i…
…weird.
~ i stretch about 800 times before i get out of bed in the morning. not those dorky aerobic stretches [ unitard, anyone? ] but the soft, sensual ones that make me shake. like a cat.
~ i also consider myself a completely different person when i wake up, and about 50% sexier. something about sleepy, smeared eyeliner and underwear that just isn't on right.
~ i have overwhelming guilt sometimes about eating meat, and i'd really love to stop eating it alltogether... but it's like almost impossible for me. sadly, it's along the lines of qutting smoking. bleh.
~ i need a change! i wanna paint every wall in my apartment a different [ complementing ] color.
~ i covered the bathroom door with peices from my favorite CD backings [ like when case is clear and there's art behind the disk. ] i put the booklets and CD's in one of those carriers but i couldn't bear to part with any of the extras. plus, it looks damn cool.
~ i am SO not a neat freak. i used to be, but then i gave up.
~ i don't like to use capitalizations when i'm typing online.
~ i hate it when people fight about punctuation. it's not really that big a f*cking deal, people. get over it.
~ sometimes i wish i had a group of older friends. some of my friends act like children.
~ sometimes i act like children, too.. five of them. at once.
~ i hate the telephone. i feel the wakwardness set in and i freeze up. i also can't understand half of what people say through cellphones. which is also awkward when i'm talking to someone on a cell phone.
~ i hate it when people talk on cellphones while driving. they usually swerve.
~ i don't have a driver's license, or drive, but ive been pulled over in a car before. with a friend sitting next to me dressed like a teddy bear.
~ i hope you read my list.
*aaack acck aaack*
.. no, i didn't think before i swallowed it.
does anybody have any tape? i need to reattatch my head.
whoa, it's 2006 or something.
[ i always did have a slow reaction time.. ]
i need to :
-clean my house [really ]
-hang my clothes back up [likeomagawd. warzone.]
vaccuuuuuuuuuuuuum and do dishes and.. blerghe. all i wanna do, is sit here, staring vacantly into space. for hours. but that'd be a waste of time. not like this isn't a waste of time, i'm pretty much just talking to myself.
my camera isn't near good enough. my mom who's a complete computard has a better camera than me. HMM maybe i'll borrow it.
aah, some day. maybe. three years in June.
i feel like i'm stuck in some horrible rut today. every day i wake up in a different mood, today's mood seems to be:
" nothing is changing. it always stays the same. day in and day out, it's work, then home to get drunk. every day. "
i guess i could, like.. change my job. but i'm not really qualified for snything better than iv'e got anyway.
i haven't worn makeup or done my hair in daaaays [ besides yesterday... but that doesn't count really. just because. ]
i think i'm gonna go blond again. i think. at least until i figure out what color i'm doing next.
or maybe i should just shave my head. [ trust me- i actually.. really SHOULDN'T do that. ]
blaaah.
i can't beleive i'e been here for two and a half years, and nothing new has happened.
i guess i'm gonna get dressed and try to at least make my bangs look not so greasy-grosey.
everyone is seeking protection
look around you...the dense construct of intellectual complexity serving the same purpose as the thick hide of the rejection of it
as religion decayed in the western mind a slow decline since the greek scientists people began to scramble to find new ways of facing up to our frightening finitude...attempting to find or inject meaning in to our mayfly lives. god is dead is just as much of a defense as god is all god is here god is me
our physical immune systems are as weak as our conciousnesses......
in this hyper abrasive society we are so afraid to submit and this is the simplest way that i can say this, stripping away the romantic metaphor...im glad that ive seen enough to have seen people who arent hiding
Me (left) & Jenna (right)
Damn
There you go again when ya
rub up my skin
i have to catch my breath
i begin to sweat
Oh...
Lips
tracing down my neck
and its scaring me to death
Damn i hate the way you know me
and Damn you kill me
when you hold me
like im your world
like this won't hurt
like a favorite cursing every nerve
Damn,
im fightin and im losin it
Damn you,
your pullin and pushin
i wrestle with it
i toss and i twist
till i finally give in... Damn.
- for jenna, with love -
Everytime I look in the mirror, I feel disgusting. Ok, I'm officially sick of hiding this in all of the time.
I'm gross, that's what I think. I never thought of myself as attractive. It's not just my face, it's my body.
I need to lose weight, right f*cking now!
I've gained a lot of f*cking wait since I last checked. I hate this.
Why is it that us girls have to feel like we must all look like super models, our hipbones sticking out, flawless face, and a foot of space in between our legs?
Thank you media. Thank you.
It's ridiculous.
But it's how we all feel, when we believe we're inferior to every other girl. UGLY,FAT, UNWANTED. Maybe if you've been ridiculed about your looks like I have in the past, you'd understand.
I'm going on a f*cking diet.
_______ 00000000000000_______ 0000000000000________ ______ 000000000000000000__ 000000000000000000______ ____ 000000000000000000000000000000_______ 00000____ ___ 0000000000000000000000000000000_________ 0000___ __ 0000000000000000000000000000000000________ 0000__ __ 0000000000000000000000000000000000000_____ 0000__ _ 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000___ 00000_ _ 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000_ 000000_ _ 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_ _ 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_ __ 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000__ ___ 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000___ _____ 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000_____ _______ 000000000000000000000000000000000000_______ __________ 000000000000000000000000000000__________ _____________ 0000000000000000000000000____________ _______________ 00000000000000000000_______________ __________________ 000000000000000_________________ ____________________ 0000000000____________________ ______________________ 000000______________________ _______________________ 0000_______________________ ________________________ 00________________________
restrain me in your arms
assault me
tell me you cant live
without me
dont try to tear away my fears
dont let me
drown myself in tears
forget me
ill get even with you
for all the times youve helped me through
bruise me with your cruel embrace
ill kill you if you see my face
i love the fire in your eyes
and hate the man in which it lies
this hate is just so strong
this anger caged so long
this passion feels so wrong...
I want to touch someone. If it's too hard to start touching, then I want a reason to touch. I'm frightened of people I can't touch, I'm frightened of people whose skin I can't cover with my own, ever so gently, two surfaces together. I feel as if I'm about to be attacked, and so I feel as if I'm about to attack.
So I go to a strange dirty little underground hole that they call a club, which is completely new to me. So many deeply dark, beautiful characters who I assume are the new children of the underworld. When you're in a club it's OK to slam into other people. The first time you ram into someone, you hit then with your anger. You feel rage in the pain of the collision. Then, without waiting, you go and crash into a second person and then a third, a fourth, a fifth, bashing into them with different parts of your body, and you feel the rage start to dissolve in the lingering traces of pain.
By this time I'm in a state of frozen, numbed exhaustion. Now I start to writhe, stretching out a rapid hand to brush parts of bodies of people near by. As if to pickpocket pieces of them. A rush of erotic feeling takes over and I'm starting to feel really grateful that I'm living like this, not just letting rage take control.
This is proof that you shouldn't write when you're stoned.........
I want to touch someone. If it's too hard to start touching, then I want a reason to touch. I'm frightened of people I can't touch, I'm frightened of people whose skin I can't cover with my own, ever so gently, two surfaces together. I feel as if I'm about to be attacked, and so I feel as if I'm about to attack.
So I go to a strange dirty little underground hole that they call a club, which is completely new to me. So many deeply dark, beautiful characters who I assume are the new children of the underworld. When you're in a club it's OK to slam into other people. The first time you ram into someone, you hit then with your anger. You feel rage in the pain of the collision. Then, without waiting, you go and crash into a second person and then a third, a fourth, a fifth, bashing into them with different parts of your body, and you feel the rage start to dissolve in the lingering traces of pain.
By this time I'm in a state of frozen, numbed exhaustion. Now I start to writhe, stretching out a rapid hand to brush parts of bodies of people near by. As if to pickpocket pieces of them. A rush of erotic feeling takes over and I'm starting to feel really grateful that I'm living like this, not just letting rage take control.
This is proof that you shouldn't write when you're stoned.........
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
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TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
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| Name: |
Call Me Mistress
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| Birthday: |
June 21
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| Birthplace: |
Back of a Bumper Car
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| Current Location: |
5th Circle of Hell
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| Eye Color: |
Amber
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| Hair Color: |
Dark Brown
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| Height: |
5'2"
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| Right Handed or Left Handed: |
Right
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| Your Heritage: |
Indian, French, Hawaian
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| The Shoes You Wore Today: |
None
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| Your Weakness: |
Clam Chowder
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| Your Fears: |
Clowns
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| Your Perfect Pizza: |
Hawaian Style - Pineapple and sausage!
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| Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: |
Dont Get Shot
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| Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: |
lol
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| Thoughts First Waking Up: |
Grrrrr.....
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| Your Best Physical Feature: |
my lips
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| Your Bedtime: |
Whenever I Pass Out
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| Your Most Missed Memory: |
doing fingerpaintings of dead people in kindergarten
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| Pepsi or Coke: |
PEPSI!!!
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| MacDonalds or Burger King: |
Mickey D's!
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| Single or Group Dates: |
Whatever your up for
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| Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: |
lipton
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| Chocolate or Vanilla: |
CHOCOLATE!!!
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| Cappuccino or Coffee: |
Coffee. Black.
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| Do you Smoke: |
I do, but not cigarettes
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| Do you Swear: |
f*ck YEAH!!!
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| Do you Sing: |
yes
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| Do you Shower Daily: |
does skinny dipping count?
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| Have you Been in Love: |
unfortunately...
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| Do you want to go to College: |
yes, over the internet while traveling
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| Do you want to get Married: |
ummmm, next question
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| Do you belive in yourself: |
Im the shi*t!!!
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| Do you get Motion Sickness: |
sumtimes
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| Do you think you are Attractive: |
Hell Yeah!
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| Are you a Health Freak: |
not really
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| Do you get along with your Parents: |
hell no.
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| Do you like Thunderstorms: |
Theyre Amazing
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| Do you play an Instrument: |
guitar and keyboard
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| In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: |
yes
|
| In the past month have you Smoked: |
no
|
| In the past month have you been on Drugs: |
yes
|
| In the past month have you gone on a Date: |
yes
|
| In the past month have you gone to a Mall: |
no, thats worse than hell
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| In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: |
two and a half
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| In the past month have you eaten Sushi: |
no
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| In the past month have you been on Stage: |
yes
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| In the past month have you been Dumped: |
no
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| In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: |
yes
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| In the past month have you Stolen Anything: |
one skull g-string
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| Ever been Drunk: |
yes
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| Ever been called a Tease: |
yes
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| Ever been Beaten up: |
no, but i've kicked some ass
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| Ever Shoplifted: |
yes
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| How do you want to Die: |
freefalling
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| What do you want to be when you Grow Up: |
an artist and novelist
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| What country would you most like to Visit: |
italy
|
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In a Boy/Girl..
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| Favourite Eye Color: |
hazel
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| Favourite Hair Color: |
black
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| Short or Long Hair: |
long
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| Height: |
6 ft
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| Weight: |
165 lb
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| Best Clothing Style: |
punk, goth, naked
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| Number of Drugs I have taken: |
3 different kinds
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| Number of CDs I own: |
a zillion
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| Number of Piercings: |
7
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| Number of Tattoos: |
1
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| Number of things in my Past I Regret: |
nothing
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
hey, guys this is my newest poem. Please tell me what you think!!
Sympathetic Character
I was afraid
youd hurt me if id spoken up
I was afraid
of your physical strength
i was afraid you'd hit below the belt
I was afraid of your sucker punch
I was afraid of your reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath
I was afraid of your complete disregard for me
I was afraid of your temper
I was afraid of handles being thrown off
I was afraid of holes being punched into walls
I was afraid of your testosterone
I might not have as much rage as your have,
I might not have as much pain as you do,
I might not have lived as much hell as you have,
but all of mine was caused by you.
you were my best friend
you were my mother
you were my little sister
and my big brother
you were my very own sympathetic character
I was afraid of verbal daggers
I was afraid of the calm before the storm
I was afraid for my own bones
I was afraid of your seduction
I was afraid of your cooersion
I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation
I was afraid of your punishment
I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume
I was afraid of your homicidal thoughts
I was afraid of your self mutilation
I was afraid of your suicidal plots
I was afraid of your manipulation
I was afraid of your explosions
I might not have as much rage as your have,
I might not have as much pain as you do,
I might not have lived as much hell as you have,
but ive kept mine bubbling under for you.
You were my mentor
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my savior
you were my very own sympathetic character.
she says: don't hate me cause I'm beautiful....
Here there are these new ads attempting to recruit police officers...They are photographs of cops, with a little quote, some personal testimony about why being a cop is so great, and there was one that featured a sargeant or something, saying how at his job, he gets to see all this CrrAzy stuff, that his job places him in the front seat of "the best show on earth"...
great, great, what a spectacle a rape scene is! And struggling with people maddened by their life-long systematic oppression...oh my, the things they say!
This kind of honesty in an advertisement, a pretty clear cut view into a cop's f*cked up psychology, the psychology of someone who clearly can find no other way to experience life, or actual shi*t-smeared neon pink numinous reality, is surprising, but also so nauseatingly self-assured that it makes me worry about living in a city where that kind of thing is unnoticed or acceptable to the majority...
putting your life on the line, encountering f*cked up shi*t within a well defined governmental/bullshi*t moral structure, is crass and f*cking boring to me...I'd rather burn a bridge while i walk over it.
hello everyone i am drunk as hell....and decided to stop by and say hello to all of you whom i love......and once again the face i love so much over and over again...Me and my friends were screwing around and doing some homemade porn......My friends are lesbians, and im bisexual, so needless to say, we had fun. Here's the cover picture. Sorry, but its G-rated I named it in honor of my ex-boyfriend... what a bastard... anyway... the photoset is called Robot Fetish.
Kinky, huh?
If you think thats kinky, you should see my last one... its called "Hostage" (*wink*)
well i suppose i cant type very well on rum so i think i will go now...man i feel like i am even slurring in type..... anywho.... and i just learned and or realized that cheesecake is deffinately more of a pie than a cake...and i should know considering i love cheesecake and or cheesepie...well i believe i have sufficiently confused myself and all of you so ta ta......
My cousin joined up and it rocks!!! Its ShannaK if u wanna chat w/her.
Anyway, I have some confessions to make, that you might find interesting:
1. i'm in love with patsy cline
2. i unintentionally killed a rabbit when I was ten
3. I can't drive a car,and don't really want to
4. I used to play the cello
5. I was in an off-off broadway experimental fire musical
6. I am proficient in mig, tig, oxyacetyalene and arc welding
7. I used to go to welding school on speed.
8. I am proficient with a toilet snake.
9. I am proficient with a crowbar.
10. I used to bake my grandmotherheart shaped shortbread
cookies while she was dying of cancer.
11. I was a field hockey player.
12. I like to drive my dad nuts singing the Barney theme.
13. I use cornmeal as an exfoliant
14. All the females in my family are amazoneess wannabies on steroids.
15. I own one ski mask and one wrestling mask.
16. I have horrible handwriting.
17. I have played scrabble three times in the last 2 months.
18. Mi piace l'odore della tu ascelle.
19. I lie to my entire family
20. I was obsessed with Dolly Parton's breasts when I was five.
I had to get that off my chest. You can pick and choose which ones you want to believe cause im not even sure if theyre all true.
Dude, I really hope my dad doesn't see this...
Heres where I was on the big test day at school. On a roof smoking weed with my ex boyfriend, lol. (I had get him out of the picture, the bastard) Hookie rules!!!
![keanu-reeves[1].jpg](http://files.colonies.com/UserData/3203821/BlogPhotos/keanu-reeves[1].jpg) Here's his mugshot.(doesnt he look like keanu reeves?) He got arrested later that same day for possession. I told him i'd get him back...
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