Food one-liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

Jokes about the Irish

 

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn! There goes another one!"


Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

"Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

What day is today?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I?ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

Christmas Jokes and Riddles What do elves learn in school? ? The elf-abet   What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? ? The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel)   What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents? ? Silent Night   Why does Santa have 3 gardens? ? So he can hoe hoe hoe

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

? Frosted Flakes

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

? Frostbite

 

What kind of bird can write?

? a pen-guin

 

What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?

? I'll have a boo Christmas without you....

 

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

? Fleece Navidad!

 

What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?

? Sandy Claws!

 

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

? Crisp Cringle

 

What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?

? Neither! Candles always burn shorter!

 

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

? Crisp Cringle

 

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

? He had low elf esteem

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

? Claustrophobic

 

What did the stamp say to the envelope? ? Stick with me and we'll go places   What is a ram's favorite song? ? I Only Have Eyes For Ewe, Dear

What travels around the world but stays in one corner?

? A stamp

 

What does an envelope say when you lick it?

? Nothing, it shuts up.

 

What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?

? You get buttered up.

 

If your Aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?

? Antelope.

 

What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend
and a sailor who falls into the ocean

? One is bored over a man The other is a man overboard

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive

Olive who? Olive you!

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin

Justin who? Justin time! Here's your Valentine!

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arthur

Arthur who? Arthur any chocolates left for me?

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oscar

Oscar who? Oscar if she likes me

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cantalope

Cantalope who? Cantalope with you tonight

 

Joke#1. Which nut does Mr.Krabs like best? click here for answer.

Joke#2. How does Mr.Krabs start a story? click here for answer.

Joke#3. What is a snail on a ship? click here for answer.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

• Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
• Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
• What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
• What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
• Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
• What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
• What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
• What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
• How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
• Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
• Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
• Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
• What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
• What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
• What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
• What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
• What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
• What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
• Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
• What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
• What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
• What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
• If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
• Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
• If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
• Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
• How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
• What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
• What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
• What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
• What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
• How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
• What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
• Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
• What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
• What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
• How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
• Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
• If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
• What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
• What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
• Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
• Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
• What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
• What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
• What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
• Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
• What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
• Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
• Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

the teacher came in the room and someone wrote the word penis on the blackboard so she erased...the next day it was on there bigger and she erased it again and the next day it was bigger........finally it got to the point where it took up the whole blackboard and she was p*ed and then
Chip w said the more you rub it the bigger it gets.